Ghar ki Gaand Part-1

Ghar ki Gaand  Part-1

Meri maa Shweta 40 saal ki ho chuki hai. Lekin, unhe dekh kar koi ye nahi bol sakta ki wo challis ki. Jab wo bazaar jati hai, to sabhi log ghur ghur kar unko dekhte hai, maano wo koi 25 saal ki yuvti ho. Unka figure 36-28-38 hai. Unki gand dekh kar pata nahi mere mohallo ke kitne ki log muth marte honge. Jo bhi unki gand ek baar dekh le, apne land ko control me nahi rakh sakta. Meri maa ki gudaaz gand kisi bhi land se paani tapka sakti hai. Mera bhi yahi haal hota hai apni maa ke ubhardar gand ko dekh kar. Ji karta hai pant khol ke unki gand ki dararo me apna land sata doon. Roz unki gand ko soch soch kar muth bhi marta hoon mai. Unki chuchhiyan bhi bahut bade bade hai, mano unki chuchhiyon me 2 litre dood bhara ho. Chuchhiya blouse faad kar bahar aane ko aatur rahti hai hamesa. Jab wo ghar ka kam karti hai to mai hamesa unki chuchhiyan aur gand dekhta rahta hoon. Isi tarah mere din kat hi rahe the, ki achanak mere jeewan me kuch rochak ghatna ghati, aur mai zero se hero ban gaya.

To wo ghatna kuch kuch is prakar hai ki mere kuch bahut “acchewale” dost hai. Acchewale ka tatparya sabhi acche se samjh hi rahe honge. Aise dost jo aapke bare me kabhi accha nahi sochte, unhe “acchewale” dost kahte hai.
Main pratidin sham ko apne “acchewale” dosto ke saath ladkiyaan tadne nikla karta tha. To rozana ki tarah aj bhi sham ke 4 bajte hi mere “acchewale” dost mere ghar par tapak pade. Aur, jor jor se aawaz lagani suru kar di – “Saurav, Saurav!!”. Meri badi didi pammi ne khidki se jhaka, aur mujhe bola ki tere “acchewale” dost tujhe bula rahe hai. Hum log sare dost tahalte hue karib 1km ki dur pahuch gaye, sadak par ladkiyan tadte hue. Waha ek chote se maidan me mandali jama kar baith gaye sare dost. Fir charcha suru hui. Rohit, Ravi aur Raj mere kuch khash acchewale dost hai. Fir hamare bich me baat suru ho gayi.
Ravi to me – “Aur batao, kaisa chal rha hai. Padhai likhai me tum pura hero ho be, din bhar ghar me ghuse rahte ho kitab chat te rahto ho. Aur, exam me ulti kar dete ho paper par sara gyan.”
Me – “Abe har time yahi baat se suru kahe karte ho be! Aur koi starting point nahi hai kya!”
Rohit – “Chodne se pahle land tankana to padta hi hai guru! Bina tankaye land ghusega to nahi na. hihihi hi”
Raj – “Bhosdi ke, tumko kaun bolta hai itna padhne ko ki sab baat baat par tera gand maarte rahe”
Me – “Lauda padh rahe the aj hum, Mastram ka 2 kitab kharide the na gandu! Usi ko padh rahe the”
All – “Abe bata na kaisa tha, accha tha to humlog ko bhi sunao”
Fir maine apne pocket se Mastram ki kitab nikali, aur dhire dhire padhna suru kar diya. Dhire dhire kahani pich par aa rahi thi. Aur mere “acchewale” dosto ke acche acche land tanakte ja rahe the. Mai dhire dhire padh raha tha. Tabhi raj bolta hai.
Raj-“Sala, tum bahut dhire dhire padhta hai, jitna der me tum panty kholwayega, tab tak mere land sikud jayega.”

Me-“Chutiya, tu padh no to tezz tezzz! Aur maine usko kitab badha di”
Raj aise to padhne me kuch khash nahi tha, lekin reading awwal deta tha. So wo suru ho gaya padhne. Aur, Sare dost maze lene lage. Karib 20 minute tak raj tezi se padhta raha aur hum sabhi maze se aankhe band karke kahani ke hero ki jagah khud ko mahsus karte rahe. Mai thoda kahani ghar par padh chukka tha to mujhe utna maza nahi aa raha tha, lekin, Fir bhi kahani ke hero “Paltu” ke land me jarur koi baat thi. Jo wo baar baar jhadta tha aur fir chodne ke liye kahada ho jata tha. Achanak rohit khada ho jata hai dhire dhire jhadiyo ki taraf chalne lagta hai.
Ravi-“Abe gandu, kaha chal diye”
Rohit-“Bardast nahi ho raha hai guru! Pura pillar bana hua hai, lauda kahi chaddi me gir gaya to fevicol jaise sara jhant chipak jayega, hum chale nikalne”
Rohit jhadiyo ki piche chala hai, aur apna land nikal kar hilane lagta hai. Jhadi itni dur nahi thi ki waha se wo kahani na sun sake. Raj kahani padhta jata hai, aur rohit dhire dhire muthiyate jata hai.
Ravi-“Lauda mere ko bhi had se bahar ho raha hai, mai bhi chala jhadi ke piche.”
Aur, ravi bhi jhadi ke piche jakar muth marne lagta hai. Raj aur speedly kahani padhta jata hai aur dono muth marte jate hai. Fir, raj mere taraf kitab uchhal kar jhadiyo ke piche chala jata hai. Aur, mujhe bolta hai.
Raj-“Ab tu padh be, humse bhi control nahi ho raha hai!!!!!!!!!!!”
Mai apne shakti anusaar tezi se kahani padhne lagta hu, aur teeno muth maarte jate hai. Ab tak kahani me paltu ka land teen baar jhad chukka hota hai, par mere ye chodumodu dosto ka muth abhi tak nahi gira. Karib 5 minute bad teeno bahar nikalte hai. Aur fir mai kahani padhna band kar deta hoon.
Raj-“Abe tum nahi hilaya, tera kahada nahi hua ka be!”
Me-“Already aj 3 bar nikaal chuke hai, to aur kitna hilaye be, aur upar se ye story bhi padha hua tha mera to maza lauda aayega”
Ravi-“Abe tum bola ki 2 kitab kharida tha, to aj rat ke liye humko ek do to be”
Tab maine dusri wali kitab nikal kar ravi ki aur badha di. Kitab ka naam tha “Garam Aurat”.

Kahani dhire dhire garam hogi, isliye sare readers se nivedan hai ki kahani ki raftar badhane ki iltaza na kare. Mai aapke manoranjan ka yathashakti dhyan rakhne ki kosis karunga.

Ravi ko to maine “Garam Aurat” de di. Par pahli kitab ke “Rangeen Jawani” liye rohit aur raj dono ladne lage. Kitabo ke naam kalpanik nahi hai, ye wahi naam hai jo maine sachmuch me pahli baar padhi thi. Socha inke shirshak ka jikr banta hai
Rohit-“Hum ye wala kitab le jayenge aj.”
Raj-“Tab humko kya milega, mere ko bhi chahiye.”
Me-“Abe gandu log, sala kitab do aur 3 log ko le jana hai! Ya to aadha aadha le jao, ya koi aur intezam karna hoga. Ladki to hai nahi ki dono taraf se baja sakte ho.”
Rohit-“Abe aadha aadha le jayenge to KLPD ho jayega, jisko 1st half mila, uska khada hi rah jayega aur jisko last wala mila usko intro hi pata nahi chalega. Fir chudai to padhega, par pata nahi chalega ki chud kaun rahi hai, maa hai ki bahan hai ki bhabhi. Aise jhant maza aayega. So, tum humko kuch dusra de do. Isko ye le jane do”
ME-“ha be, hami to mastram hai na, likh likh ke chhap rahe hai tum log ke liye. Lauda sabko naya naya chahiye aur nahi hai mere pas.”
Raj-“Abe landu ke pas hoga, uske pas bhi dhere rahta hai. Bula na usko!”
Ravi-“ha be ha be!, chal na usko bulane chalte hai, yahi bahane uska bahan ko bhi taad lenge”
Bipin urf “Landu” bhi mere “acchewale” dosto me ek tha. Uski didi Pooja, jo ek number ki kadak maal thi. Doodh ki tarah gori thi wo. Figure karib 32-28-34 hogi. Wo landu se ek saal hi badi thi. Isliye hum log use khul kar baatein kar pate the, lekin thi woe k number ki HITLER. Landu ko na bahar jane deti thi na chain se rahne deti thi. Landu bhi Pooja se pura paresan rahta tha. Lekin uski khubsoorti ka nazara hi kuch aisa hota tha ki sabke tambu ukhad jate the.

Ravi-“Are yar, sach batao ye mastram ki saari kitabo me hero ka land kabhi sikudta kyu nahi hai. Hamesa khada hi kyu rahta hai. Girne ke baad fir khada ho jata hai. Ab iss Paltu wali kahani ko hi le lo. Mano land na hua nal ho gaya. Jab chalao pani hi pani hi hi hihih.”

Hum log sabhi ek sath Landu ke ghar ke aur batein karte hue chal pade. Bate, Hasi- majak jari tha. Bipin ke ghar ke niche uski maa khadi mili.
Ravi ne pucha – “Aunty, LLan.... Bipin kaha hai??”
Aunty-“Abhi to yahi tha, upar dekho shayad WWF dekh rha hoga.”

Main aur ravi sidhi se dabe paav upar chal diye. Baki sare dost niche hi mandali bana kar baith kar. Ghar ka darwaja khula tha, main knock karne hi wala tha ki ravi ne mera hath rok liya.
Ravi-“ruk be, dekhte hai, kya kar raha hai wo?, Agar wo na bhi raha to sayad Pooja maal dikh jaye. Aur possibly agar wo jhadu laga rahi ho to doodhiya choochhi ke darshan bhi ho jaye”. Main ruk gaya. Dhire se darwaja khola aur andar ghusa. Piche piche ravi bhi ghar me ghus gaya. Humne dekha TV high volume par start tha. Par waha koi nahi tha. Ravi slowly baramade me chala gaya aur dekha ki Landu bathroom ke darwaje se andar jhank raha hai.
Dabe paav wo bahar aa gaya, usne mujhse kaha –“Are yar, ye landu to bathroom ke andar jhank raha hai, shayad pooja andar hogi, aur landu maza le raha hai.” Ravi dhire se andar gaya aur piche ke bipin ko pakad liye. Bipin hadbada kar chaunk gaya. Shayad wo pooja ki boor dekh kar usme kho gaya tha, use pata hi nahi chala ki hum kab waha pahuche. Bipin ne jhat se ravi ke muh par hath rakh aur use utha kar TV wale room me le aaya aur bola –“Abe tum dono yaha kaise? Aur sala bina aawaz diye andar ghus gaye.”
Ravi-“Awaz de ke aate to tum pakdate nahi na beta. Pura maza le rahe ho bhabhi ka.”

Ravi shayad ye soch raha tha ki Bipin uski bhabhi ko dekh raha tha. Lekin mujhe pata tha ki bipin ki bhabhi to apne mayke gayi hui hai.Main samjh gaya ki bathroom me pooja hi hai. Ravi majak karte hue bola, achha beta bhaiya nahi hai to tum hi saiya ban rahe ho. Bipin jaldi se jaldi hame ghar se bahar nikalna chahta tha, taki hame ye pata na chale ki bathroom me kaun tha. Hame dhakke dete hue usne ghar se bahar nikala aur bola –“Chal be bhosdi ke niche ruk, main aata hoon 2 min me”..

Ravi-“Abe, ek baar mujhe bhi dekhne do na, teri bhabhi to mast maal hai. Ek baaar dekhne de na, kitne din ho gaye, bf bhi nahi dekha hai. Aur tum sala original maal dekhta hai. Dikha na be, bas ek jhalak. Kabhi original boor nahi dekhe hai be dikha de bhai ek baar.”
Bipin-“OOye pagal ho gaya hai kya, sala ab bhabhi bahar aane wali hi hogi. Chal jaldi niche.”
Ravi aur main jaldi se niche aa gaye aur Landu ka wait karne lage.

Maine dhire se rohit se kaha-“Abe kuch bhi ho jaye, ravi ko upar mat jane dena, landu beta kabhi niche aayega nahi, bhayanak busy hai chhora, ye kar ki tu ravi ko busy kar de bipin ki maa ke sath. Main ek round upar se aata hoon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Rohit samjh gaya ki jarur daal me kuch kala hai. Main dhire se upar gaaya, dekha landu abhi bhi pooja ke boor dekh raha tha, maine kaha abe ab to dekhne de, main akela hoon.
Bipin ne mujhe pakda aur kaha “abe tu fir aa agya, control nahi ho raha tha yar, ab bina hilaye niche nahi aa sakta, bhabhi bhi bathroom me hai. kya karun? Tu ja yar, main aata hu jaldi niche.”
Me-“Abe mujhe bhi darshan kara de yaar. Kabhi original wala pas se nahi dekha bhai.”
Bipin-“Abe kisi aur din, abhi ravi ko shak ho jayega, chal niche main aata hoon”.
Bipin baat ko talna chahta tha, main kisi bhi tarah razi karna chahta tha, kyuki mujhe pata tha ki andar bhabhi nahi pooja hai. Bipin ne socha ki agar ye andar dekhe bhi to isko sirf niche ka portion dikhega aur ye samjh bhi nahi payega ki kaun hai. Lekin wo ye bhul gaya ki usne hi mujhe bataya tha ki bhabhi mayke gayi huui hai. Bipin-“Dekh le beta, lekin bas 10 second, usse jyada nahi,” main bathroom ke andar jhakne ke liye hole se aankh lagaya, pooja ki boor najar ke samne thi, bhoori bhoori jhante, 1 inch ke karib hogi, chikni gori gori janghe dikhi, mera land thann se khada ho gaya, pahli baar koi boor aankh ke samne thi, boor ke phanko se paani tapak raha tha, nabhi ke upar kuch dikh nahi raha tha, main uski soundarya me kho sa gaya, aise pratit ho raha tha jaise duniya ki sabse pyari scenary mere aankho ke samne ho, Tabhi pooja niche jhuki, sayad soap uske hath se fisal kar niche gir gaya tha, wo soap uthane ke liye niche jhuki hi thi ki uske choochhiyan mere aankho ke samne aa gaye, achanak pooja ne hole ki taraf dekha. Main daar gaya ki kahi usne dekh to nahi liya. Main jhat se utha aur pichhe bhaga. Bipin bhi samajh gaya aur baramade se nikal gaya, Dhire se Pooja ne bathroom ka darwaja khola, par waha koi nahi tha, par sayad use ye shak ho gaya tha ki koi hole se jhak raha tha. Maine socha ki agar wo aise sochti bhi hai to usko kaise pata chalega ki main aaya hoon. Uska shak to pura ka pura bipin par hi jayega. Bipin ne jaldi se shirt pahna, aur hum bhagte hue niche aa gaye.

Me-“Beta bach gaye, kahi dekh leti na to aj hum dono ka chatni bana deti”
Landu-“Bole the beta, mat karo, fasa diye na, aur bipin gussa ho gaya.”
Me-“Abe shant ho jao, ravi ko shak ho gaya to sabko bata dega,aise bhi tum bathroom me jhank rahe the, ye baat to wo sabko bol ke hi rahega, lekin use laga hai ki teri bhabhi andar thi, so koi baat nahi hai. Tum bhi aisa pretend karna ki bhabhi hi thi.”
Bipin-“Pretend kya karna, bhabhi ko to dekh hi sakte hai na be.”
Me-“Beta udd mat, mujhe pata hai ki wo bhabhi nahi pooja thi.”
Bipin-“abe tujhe kaise pata chala”

Me-“wo tune hi to bataya tha ki bhabhi mayke gayi hai, aur maine dekha ki andar pooja hi thi, maine to choochiyan bhi dekhi”
Bipin-“Kaise be, upar to dikhta hi nahi hai” Me-“Wo sabun uthane jhuki thi, tab dekha maine. Usi waqt pooja ko shak hua ki koi hole se jhak raha hai”
Bipin-“Kisi se nat bolna bhai, tu sabko bol dena ki wo bhabhi hi thi”
Me-“Thik hai bol dunga, Lekin beta yaad rahe, agar kuch haath laga to aadha mujhe bhi chahiye”.
Bipin-“Sirf dekh rahe the be hath lagane ka koi irada bhi nahi hai, tune aisa kand kiya hai ki sayad ab dekhne bhi na mile, tu to janta hi hai ki pooja kitni dangerous hai.
Aisa karna to dur, usko kah bhi nahi sakta.”

ABC

Me-“Koi nahi beta, agar tere kismat me tere bahan ki boor likhi hai to wo jarur chudegi tujhse. Stop these matters now, & mingle with others. We will lead this later.” Bipin-“Wah beta angrezi, kisi se bolna mat be???????” Me-“Kya ho raha hai bhai log, le landua aa gaya.”
Sabhi hasne lage, aur hum log fir se maidan aur chal diye. Chodne ko na mili, par Pooja ki makhmal si boor ke darshan to hue.

Bipin ki didi Pooja ki boor dekhne ke baad mera land control se bahar ho rha tha. Kisi tarah se maine control me rakha hua tha. Sare dost apni apni bato me masgul hokar dhire dhire mere ghar ki or badh rahe the. Rohit mujhe ishare kar raha tha ki kya baat thi ki main akele upar gaya tha aur Ravi ko busy rakhne ko bola tha. Maine ishare se bol diya ki baad me bate hogi. Main bipin ke sath batein karte hue ja raha tha.
“Bipin, man le ki jab tu ghar gaya, aur Pooja ne tujhse pucha, ki tu kyu bathroom me jhank raha tha to kya bolega? Aur, man le jab tu ghar pahucha to pata chale ki Pooja ne teri maa se bol diya hai to kya karega? Teri to ‘L’ lag jayegi ghar pahuchte hi.”
“Chutiye chut dekhne ki liye risk to lena hi padhta hai, main itne dino se dekh raha tha didi ki choot, use kabhi shak nahi hua, tune aise kya dekh daala ki use shak ho gaya. mujhe nahi lagta ki didi kuch bolegi aise. Man le ki Pooja didi ko shak ho bhi gaya ho to kya karegi. Main kuch dino tak nahi dekhunga. Bas sab kuch normal ho jayega.”
“Are yar, yahi to mauka hai, baat ko aage badhane ka, ye mauka hath se mat jaane de. Agar, kisi tarah baat ban gayi to, soch roz tu apni Pooja didi ki chut aur gand dekhta hai. Agar kahi sach me Pooja ne ha kah diya to teri to lottery nikal jayegi. Ghar ki maal ghar me hi chudegi, aur tere ko bhi kahi bahar mehnat nahi karni padegi. Aur ho sakta hai Pooja didi ke through tujhe teri bhabhi aur maa ko bhi chodne ka mauka mil jayi. Ya nahi to teri didi ki saheli ‘Pinki’ hi mil jaye.”
“Are yar, Pinki ka naam mat le, gajab ki chiz hai yar wo to, jab jab ghar aati hai, uske naam ki muth marni padhti hai, kasam se uski chochhiyan kayamat hai, Agar mil jaye to sara doodh nikal loon sali ka. Khud to randi gand uchaal uchaal ke chalti hai, aur Pooja didi ko bhi bigadti ja rahi hai. Pata nahi kal sham ko Pinki aur didi shopping ke liye gaye the, to Pinki ne didi ko ek jeans liwa di hai. Ghar wapis aakar jab didi ne jeans try kiya to bahut tight hai.”
“Kasam! Pooja didi ne jeans pahna, tune dekha tha kya, wo bhi tight wali, Tab to sare curves dikh rahe honge. Sach me soch kar hi maza aa ja raha hai. Teri pooja didi ki 36 ki gand ubhri hui jeans se sama bhi nahi payegi. Gajab ki makhmali chuttar hai yar teri didi ki. Dil kar raha hai abhi jau aur leta kar ghop du pooja ki gand me khutta.”

“Ha! jab didi ne jeans pahan kar mujhe dikhaya to jeans ke upar se hi panty ki line dikh rahi thi. Kasam se yar bahut tight thi, man kar raha tha pakad ke daba doon. Kash didi ki chut marne mil jaye to maza aa jaye.”

“Dekh bhai, akele mat khana teri Pooja didi ko, itni katto maal akele pacha nahi payega beta, aisa jugaad banana ki mujhe ki thoda sa chakhne ko mil jaye. Aakhir unki matakti gand ki hum bhi kayal hai. Mast hila hilaa ke chalti hai teri didi, sare dost teri didi ki nam ki muth marte hai. Agar mauka mile to teri didi ki boor aur gand dono ki chatni bana ke rakh de ye log. Jab tu hota nahi to sari teri didi ki chuttar ki tarif me jute rahte hai. Ravi ne to teri didi ki gand ki photo bhi rakhi hai mobile me, use dekh kar ki hilata hai wo.”
“Aisa kya, saalo ko chhodunga nahi, meri didi ki bare me sochte hai harami sala, aur ravi jise main apna sabse accha dost samjhta tha, uski mazar mere hi didi ki chuttaro par hai, meri didi sirf mujhse chudegi, main kisi aur se chudne nahi dunga apni pyari pooja didi ki chut.”
“Yar wo baat to hai, par mujhe to dega na apni didi ki gand.”
“Dekh bhai, pahle main ji bhar chodunga didi ko, agar didi gand marwane ke liye ready ho gayi to didi ki gand sabse pahle tujhe marne dunga ye waada raha, aage se main rasta kholunga to pichwada tu khol dena.”
“To rahi baat, tu ab jaldi se pooja didi ko pata ke thok daal, taki jaldi se unki rasbhari gand main maar saku.”
“Lekin ek shart hai bhai!!!!!!!!!”

“Wo kya.”
“Badle me tu kya dega.”
“Sale tu pakda gaya pooja ko bathroom me jhakte hue, ab tu dealingbazi karega.”
“Abe nahi, main to bas aise hi try kar raha tha.”
“kya try kar raha tha be”
“Mujhe pooja didi ki gand utni acchi lagi lagti. Mujhe mote mote bade chuttar acche lagte hai yar”
“Thik hai tu mat lena teri didi ki gand. Main to chod chod ke fad dunga teri didi ki matakti gand.”
“Bhai aisa nahi hai ki mujhe gand acchi nahi lagti, par pooja didi ki nahi, mujhe kisi aur ki gand marne ki iccha hoti hai.”
“Saale kya inssan hai be tu! Kabhi tune Pooja ki gand dekhi hai. Kya gajab lagti hai, na jayada bade na chote, naa had se jyada bhaari na bahut halke. Bilkul managed gand hai teri didi ki. Model se kam nahi lagti teri didi ke chuttar.”
“Tujhe meri didi ki gand model lagti hai to tujhe de to raha hoon. Par mere liye kisi aur ki gand model hai”
“Kiski????????????????????????? ‘Pinki’ ki kya???????”
“Dekh ghuma fira kar baat to karni hai nahi. Mujhe thode bhaari bhaari gand acche lagte hai. Ab main tujhe apni didi ki komal unchudi gand marne dunga, to badle me bhi kisi ki gand dilwayega kya tu??????????”
“haan bhai bilkul!!!! Tu jisko bolega uska try lunga!!!!!!!!”
“Mujhe teri maa ki gand acchi lagti hai yar. Jab teri maa bazaar jati hai to unki matakti chuttar kya kahar dhate hai, teri maa bhi kam nahi hai, jaan bujh kar gand matka matka kar chalti hai. Aur mujhe dekh kar to kuch jyada hi matkane lagti hai.”
Maine kabhi apni maa ki gand ko itni dhyan se nahi dekha tha, jaise main Bipin ki didi Pooja ki gand marna chahta tha, waise hi Bipin meri maa ki gand ke piche pada tha. Lekin sawal ye tha ki naa Bipin ne Pooja didi ko pataya tha na maine Meri maa ko. Fir kaise????????????????????????????????

Baaki Agale Part me - Ghar ki Gaand  Part-2